Candy Induced Chaos
by Ivory Tower
Summary: What horrors arise in the great hall as a result of too much candy and other substances? Who'd have thought Lupin could shed his modesty? Who'd have thought Snape could be so carefree? Hogwarts will never be the same after today.


Title: Candied Induced Chaos  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.  
  
Madam Pomfrey looked around.  
  
"Wherever is the Headmaster? He is usually not late."  
  
McGonagall shrugged with a worried expression. Surely the Headmaster had not been owled with a bit of urgent news due to that incompetent Fudge's decision-making.  
  
"Something must be wrong," said Harry, watching from Gryffindor table. "The professors look worried."  
  
Just then, the doors opened and in sprinted Dumbledore like a sixteen-year-old.  
  
"Take that!" he shouted, flinging a handful of hard candy at Malfoy and laughing maniacally.  
  
"Oh dear," sighed Professor Sprout, "Albus must have overdosed on his Happy Barbiturates again."  
  
Snape turned so deathly pale he positively glowed.  
  
"This is very bad," he stated solemnly.  
  
"Midget throwing contest!" shouted Dumbledore with a crooked smile.  
  
"No! No! Not me," squeaked a horrified Flitwick.  
  
"Albus, put Flitwick down this instant!"  
  
"Why, of course, Minerva!" agreed Dumbledore.  
  
"Oh my god!" shrieked Hermione as Professor Flitwick soared across the Great Hall. Fortunately, the plate of mashed potatoes, courtesy of Hufflepuff table, cushioned his fall.  
  
"Bloody hell! Dumbledore's gone batty!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
Dumbledore faced the students with a chilling grin plastered across his bearded face and asked, "Who wants to be my special assistant for the day?"  
  
The students shrank in their chairs. None of them wanted to get near that crazy old bastard.  
  
"Congratulations, Mr. Longbottom! You have won! Come up here and sit by me," invited the Headmaster, downing a teacup of treacle.  
  
"Uh, I-I c-can't...I have detention with Professor Snape. I gotta go!" So saying, Neville quickly arose.  
  
"Your detention is cancelled, Longbottom. Now do as the Headmaster commands," ordered Snape ever-so-nicely.   
  
McGonagall glared at him.  
  
"You are an odious man, Severus Snape!" she declared.  
  
"Better Longbottom than me. Now, do shut up and pass the lobster claws, Minerva," retorted Snape pleasantly.  
  
Everyone, with the exception of Snape, gave Neville looks of sympathy as he reluctantly approached the Head Table.  
  
"Hooray!" cried Dumbledore, tossing fistfuls of jellybeans into the air like confetti. "Now, Neville, we are going to see what happens when I combine these five bags of lemon drops with this cauldron of Dr. Pepper."  
  
Minerva McGonagall jumped out of her seat and said, "Albus! That is far too much sugar for a child."  
  
"Most assuredly, Minerva. However, I am going to partake of the lemon drops and Dr. Pepper. Neville is merely going to time how long it takes for all that sugar to go to my brain. Ready, Neville?"  
  
Poor Neville looked ready to shit his trousers as he replied, "Y-Yes, sir."  
  
Harry and many other students gathered their things and made ready to break for the door. McGonagall and the other Professors edged away from Dumbledore. Snape surreptitiously backed his chair towards the "secret" door behind the Head Table.  
  
"Bottoms up!" announced the Headmaster.   
  
At first, nothing happened. Then, Dumbledore twitched, stiffened, and his eyes dilated in an alarming fashion.  
  
"The Christmas elves have arrived," shrieked Dumbledore, hardly sounding like himself. "All shall pay for this outrage!"  
  
Pandemonium ensued. Screams filled the Great Hall and everyone dashed for the door. Hagrid noticed Snape's near-escape and promptly picked up the grumpy Potions Master, tossed him aside, and exited through the secret door himself.  
  
"Don't close it you-aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgh! You fool! That door won't open again until this time tomorrow. Let me in!" yelled Snape, throwing himself against the door much like a little girl throws her favorite dolly against the door when she hasn't gotten her way.  
  
"Come, Neville! We'll enchant everyone's underwear to be two sizes too small!" roared the deranged Dumbledore.  
  
Draco shrieked upon hearing this, and ran aimlessly around the room while screaming for his father to save him.  
  
"Ack! He has cornered me! I am done for!" announced Dean Thomas.  
  
"We have to save him," said Harry.  
  
"Hell no, Harry! Mum'll never understand if I owl her that my only pair of underwear are suddenly too small. She might get the wrong idea," protested Ron.  
  
"You can borrow some of mine if Dumbledore curses yours," promised Harry, kindly soul that he was.  
  
Ron made a face and said, "Harry, that's gross."  
  
"Hey, not everyone can say he's worn the underwear of the Boy-Who-Lived."  
  
"Good point, that," conceded Ron.  
  
Remus Lupin walked in selling cigarettes and sticks of cinnamon gum.  
  
"Hello again, "he greeted jovially, "My, this place is a regular-"  
  
"Lupin, look out!"  
  
Dumbledore's evil hex hit Remus head on. Remus just stood there looking a trifle bewildered.  
  
"What the hell was that about?" he demanded in his usual calm tone.  
  
Draco finally stopped running.  
  
"Aren't your underwear too tight?" he asked.  
  
Remus went from looking a trifle bewildered to positively baffled.  
  
"What in hell do you mean? I've never worn underwear a day in my life."  
  
"That's it! If we take off our underwear, Dumbledore's hex can't hurt us!" shouted Harry.  
  
"Harry...I don't know..."  
  
"Look at that. Filch isn't taking any chances!"  
  
Ron turned an unwholesome shade of green.  
  
"I'll never eat again," he swore.  
  
What happened next can only be described as unbelievable. An enormous heap of underwear accumulated in the Great Hall.  
  
"Look at all that underwear! Isn't it beautiful?"  
  
"Harry, stop quoting from 'The Adventures of Baron Munchausen' and let's get the hell out of here," scolded Hermione.  
  
"Behold the Bonfire of the Panties!" yelled the Headmaster, waving his wand.  
  
The underwear/panties burst into flames. Remus Lupin was no fool. He had the house elves bring him some sticks and a bag of marshmallows. The idea quickly caught on.  
  
"Smores!" shouted Flitwick enthusiastically.  
  
Graham crackers and bars of chocolate were brought forth, along with a generous sample of the decadent Happy Barbiturates.  
  
"This is fun!" exclaimed Colin Creevey, snapping photos. Many interesting photos, mind you.  
  
For example, once all the sugar and Happy Barbiturates went to Snape's head, he lifted his robes for the camera. Remember now, Snape's underwear were blazing with the hundreds of other pairs at the moment, along with his pants and shirt.  
  
Remus, not to be outdone, tossed his robes atop the pyre of panties and placed his hands on his hips.  
  
"What'st thou that'st?" he challenged.  
  
"Gang bang!" shouted Hagrid, who had been unable to keep away from the madness.  
  
The incident initiated a new tradition at Hogwarts. Every nineteenth of November, Dumbledore would bolt massive amounts of lemon drops and Dr. Pepper. Everyone would then run around screaming and pull off their panties (even the men donned panties for the occasion) for the bonfire. This was followed by the consumption of the smores and Happy Barbiturates. After everyone had dined on the smores and Happy Barbiturates, a gang bang, prompted by Hagrid, commenced. Yes, the annual Bonfire of the Panties soon became a favorite holiday at Hogwarts.  
  
FIN 


End file.
